I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
