just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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