Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
