I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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