11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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