Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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