I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
