im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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