I'm lost and stupid without you.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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