How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
