this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
