Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
