I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
