I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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