i love accidental penises.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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