Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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