new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
