I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
