If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
