if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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