just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
