My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
