I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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