i want to swaddle you in tequila
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
