I'm so fucking centered right now
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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