my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
