At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
