Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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