I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
