Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
