I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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