i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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