On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
