I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
