somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
