I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
