I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
