when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
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Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
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He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Help. Why am I so naked?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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