My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
