your parents love me but you hate me
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He shit in the fireplace
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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