She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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