Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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