Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
