i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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