No awkward lesbian experiences without me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
oh god was she eating orange peels again
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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