There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
im holly from the hills drunk
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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