I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
