we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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