just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
