Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
