Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
