yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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