I accidentally burped into my bong.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
