I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
