Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
