I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
