K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
