Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
