you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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