News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
