Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
